Making fake puke noises is not a disgusting display of immaturity. It is, in fact, a fine art form that has been practiced for centuries. When the ancient Egyptians were building the pyramids, they were only able to amuse themselves through the use of fake puke noises. When Caesar Augustus ruled the Roman Empire, he would behead any court entertainer that did not display a hilarious variety of fake puke noises. Even the dainty Queen Elizabeth II has been known to punctuate an address to Britain with a well-placed fake puke noise.To make the fake puke noise, it is important to remember these simple steps:
1. Do not simply make a "BLAAAAAH" sound; move your tongue around in your mouth to make the vomit sound chunkier and wetter.
2. The closer you are to someone's face when you make this sound, the better.
3. Hold your stomach with your hands and double over, as if you were really puking your brains out. This creates a more realistic effect.
Appropriate times to make fake puke noises:
-At the movies, when an incredibly suspenseful scene is occurring.
-During an awkward silence on a first date.
-When the priest says, "You may now kiss the bride."
-Funerals. Anytime.
-In the middle of a briss.
-When ordering your food at a restaurant.
-While driving.
-While singing in your church choir.
-When you're getting a bikini wax.
-When you're actually going to puke. This one is great because it's a double fake-out.
-On your honeymoon.
-On an airplane. Every 3 minutes. Throughout the entire take-off, flight, and landing.
-While breaking up with your boyfriend/girlfriend.
-While giving birth.
-When your child asks you where babies come from.
-In someone's ear, when they're taking a nap.
-When a cop pulls you over.
When you shouldn't make fake puke noises:
-NEVER.
The possibilities are endless when it comes to making fake puke noises. Once you begin, you will discover a whole new world of entertainment, hilarity, and joy. For part II of this educational series, you're on your own. There is no part II. Good day to you and puke away!
16 comments:
LMAO!!
I must mention that there are some good props too - like airliner barf bags, and fake spew that can enrich the hilarity.
I've never been to a briss - hmm.. *thinks about how to get himself invited to one so he can fake puke at it*
Part II could be about farting... just saying...
During an awkward silence on a first date is the best time! And really, it's better to do things like fake puking early in a relationship to see if the other person can handle it.
Why waste your time with someone who doesn't see the virtue of fake puking?
It truly is an art, and I agree that there is never really a time where fake hurling is inappropriate.
I like to do it during sermons at Sunday Mass (people think I'm posessed, so double win). I also love to do it in the supermarket, bent over my shopping cart. The aisle gets cleared in 3.2 seconds and off I go for some hassle-free shopping. Doing it out the window of a car stopped at a traffic light is also fun for the reactions of the car next to you.
By the way, "Do it" means fake puking in the above paragraph. Not the more common meaning (although that applies also in all my examples).
Can't say I've ever fake puked before. I'm curious to enter into this new world of fake puking...
I'm Sooooooooo gonna try these. During a bikini wax fo sho!
Bahhahahahahaha! I LOVE YOU!!! (Not in a creepy way).
I'm totally gonna do a puke noise on a first date... Now, I just need to get a date. Hmm... this could be a problem...
I can NOT believe that you got me to practice this out loud just now as I read your post!
You do have a way with words!
oh, my kids have this one down. they also fart and burp on command.
good stuff. maybe i should keep an empty paper bag in my car for those times the cops pull me over. i could be faking it as he walks up to give me yet another citation.
hahaha! I am a champion dry retcher on command. anytime, anywhere eyes watering and all
Hilarious! How about on a boat?!?!
Stopping by from SITS.
http://apcsite.info/blog
Haha! Funny :) My 8 month old son has somehow mastered this skill along with also thinking fake coughing is hysterical!
Stopping by from SITS and hope you have a great day :)
Really the possibilities are endless. Great post!
Oh my goodness! I love this post! Very informitive! I am envisioning doing this during a bikini wax and think it is great!
This is my favorite post. I like your list of appropriate places. I was giggling like a school girl the whole time I was reading.
Erm ok - bit random - but ok.
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