ANYWAYS, usually I sit here and I rant and rave about my point of view on some particular subject. Today, my dear readers, I'm asking for your opinions. I need your help, you see. I have a big decision to make and I'd like to hear what you have to say before I make it. This might not be an incredibly entertaining post, but I genuinely need advice.
The subject? Moving in with your significant other.
My lease ends in April and Dan and I have been discussing moving in when my lease ends. Here's a quick background on us:
-We have been dating for 1 year and 4 months.
-By the time we move in, we will have been dating for 2 years and 1 month.
-We are not engaged.
-We currently live an hour away from each other, so we don't get a huge amount of "us" time.
Now, I have mixed feelings about moving in. I always used to be a huge supporter of "try before you buy," as I think it's the only way you can really know if you'll be a successful couple. Then I moved in with my now ex-boyfriend. We had been dating for 2 years, then we moved in together (with a roommate), dated for another 2 years, then broke up. The inevitable happened; we took each other for granted, we became an "old married couple," and it ended. I wouldn't say that moving in together was the sole cause of the breakup, but it probably was a catalyst.
My relationship with Dan is VERY different from the last relationship; it is infinitely better and I think we are able to work out any problems we may have. However, I still have concerns.
My issues are these:
-I don't want us to take each other for granted.
-I don't want us to get bored with each other.
-If/when we get married, nothing would change (I would want there to be some sort of change!)
-I don't think you should have to deal with becoming an "old married couple" before you're old and married
Look at how bored this couple is with each other! I don't want to be like them!I have witnessed many couples go through the 4 or 5 year dating/moving in/breaking up process, and it makes me nervous to try moving in again. One of my friends is encouraging me to give him an ultimatum: no moving in without a ring. But I am definitely not ready to be engaged anytime soon!
So here's where you all come in. For all you married folks, what did you do? Did you move in before you got married? If so, do you regret it? For all you couples living together, what do you think? Do you think you should wait until you're married or engaged to move in with your significant other? What should I do??? Thanks for your help, dudes!
11 comments:
I lived with my ex-husband for about 2 years before we got married and we stayed married for 25 years. Now I will be moving in with my boyfriend but I REALLY don't want to get married anytime soon so I'm content to live together.
Really, what I'm saying is not valuable help at all, but I'm not going to backspace it off and start over so you're stuck with what I've given you. lol
Do it.
If it doesn't work out, then you'll know you were just wasting your time.
I've never been "a couple" so I can't help ya. I want to point out that the couple you picture as bored could be "very comfortable" with each other and quite a "soul mate/team". You never know.
But even beyond that, I hope you find your own answers, your own way, and that you find much happiness and joy while doing so...
After living with a fiance who became an ex-fiance because things obviously didn't work out, I vowed never again to live with someone I wasn't married to. All of that went out the window years later when I met MusicMan. We got engaged 9 months after we started dating and moved in together 4 months after that.
I was worried, scared, and hoped the past wouldn't repeat itself. It didn't! MusicMan was quite different from the ex-fiance, so I should've known living together would be quite different. We both worried that nothing would be different after our wedding day, but it was. I can't really describe it, but things were different. We were married now!
Eating our first home cooked meal together as a married couple was special, even though it was in the same kitchen we'd been eating together in for a year. There just was something different about it...I guess maybe it's the finality of it or the heightend commitment? Like, before marriage, I think I always had it in the back of my mind that one or both of us could leave the house and never come back. After marriage, that changed.
I'm not explaining it well, but things were different. Trust your gut. And, if it doesn't work out, then you saved yourself the money and headache of a wedding and divorce, because things obviously weren't meant to be. But I just can't imagine that happening with you two!
I kind of don't think you should do it until you know you want to marry them. At the two year point, we were not engaged but we did move in together. If you're not sure if you ever want to marry him, then you might be at risk of the whole breaking up and having to move out with a lease and that is NOT a desirable situation as it sounds like you well know.
Here's my personal experience...
With my first engagement (granted, I was 18 and stupid), I moved in with him after a 1 year long distance relationship.
My current husband has always felt bad that I lived with someone before I was with him. He really wishes we could have had that "first time" experience together. I do too.
My new husband and I are just going to move in together this weekend (we were married on Thursday), and we're excited about it! I do wish I had waited until now to experience it, though.
So I'd recommend wait til you're married, so you can have that exciting experience only with your future husband.
Still, I understand an hour away is pretty far, so I wouldn't be surprised if you decide to do it :)
Since you asked, I am not a fan of living together beforehand. I think it is tempting to get that immediate gratification of living together without going through the trouble to make a real commitment. (disclaimer: remember i was raised and am Catholic) We moved in together part time while planning the wedding only because he was 3 hours away from me due to his job. I can't say I regret it, but we had been together 2 years and were only a couple of months away from our wedding so I do think it is different. My advice would be to get a new lease. If you want to be closer, move closer to him and commute a little. Good luck with the decision. :)
Do it, do it, do it.
You know my story and you know that Leland and I did not become an old married couple. Living together brought us closer together, helped us build a stronger relationship, made us both realize how much we really love each other. It was the best thing either of us ever did.
And now we are married and we have way more fun together than most unmarried, unliving together couples do.
I don't think it's a tough decision at all. You and Danny love each other. You want to be with him and plan a future with him. And you are tired of living an hour away from each other. It just makes sense.
And if it doesn't work out, then it doesn't work out, but I really don't think that is something you two need to worry about. There is a lot of love between you and because of that I think you guys would make great living, and life, partners.
I lived with my husband for 5 years before getting married; nothing changed except we had a big party, an awesome honeymoon and some great gifts! If I looked anything like that couple, I'd have ran away a long time ago.
I hate ultimatums; no offence to anyone intended but they're pretty stupid and in my honest opinion (since you asked, hope I'm not taking this too far!) lacking in judgement and respect for your partner. So I'd say no to that.
I say move in if:
When you think about it, it makes you smile
You feel excited at the thought
You've already decided where his chair will go
Life is an adventure and having someone beside you doesn't stop it being one; if it does at any point, then you take a different path as courteously as possible.
Here's my really long comment - I hope you don't mind!!
I would ask why you're not ready to be engaged anytime soon but thinking about moving in together. (Besides the long distance - trust me, I know all about that.) What IS the difference? What are your concerns about marriage? I think if you address those concerns, you can find the right answer for you and him.
My sister really debated this issue and one of her bigger concerns was, how will it be different when they get married? I don't have their answer for you because they're still engaged and planning an out of state wedding! But their moving in together turned out to be a wonderful experience with tons of opportunities that just flooded them - which is no surprise since that's how she lives her life!
My point is, I think it's more about attitude than anything else. Do yourself a favor and look at what's holding you back. You almost sound like you want to do it and want someone to tell you why not to - which is great and fine but ask yourself why. I think you know the right answer and are afraid of it.
Your fear of what happened to you before is understandable but as you said, different guy, different relationship, different experiences and even a different you.
Stop living from fear of the old relationship that didn't work. You're in this one now - tune into THIS one.
If you're afraid of getting stuck or taken for granted - then don't take for granted. I've read about married couples where the wife shooes her husband out of the house while she gets ready for their date so he has to ring the bell and 'pick her up'.
Then he's standing outside with flowers.
It's up to you guys to keep it alive. Not everyday, either. Marriage isn't a chore, it's a living, breathing extension of your lives entwined.
Living together isn't as special but it's got it's own perks and 'specialness'.
Again, my question to you is how is marriage different from living together for you?
And one thing I would think of a marriage (not married so I'm guessing here) is one of the perks is you CAN take each other for granted. You don't want to get bored or mean or aloof but you can rely on one another and know they'll always be in your corner.
Then when he comes home, answer the door in saran wrap.
(Not kidding - I know someone who came face to face with a woman in saran wrap because she thought her husband was on the other side of the door! I can bet you a million the husband laughed himself silly when he heard about it - that'll liven up a marriage! Not with what she intented but the intention was there, the effort.)
I'm going to become a follower - I want to see how this turns out!
I wish you all the luck and love in the world and I'm sure it'll turn out.
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